We've all been there before. Something you say is misunderstood or taken the wrong way and before you know it, you've unintentionally escalated into an argument with little chance of getting away unscathed. Effective communication is a key ingredient to any successful and happy relationship, but it might be the single most challenging aspect of sharing our lives with another person.
The reasons for why effective communication can be so difficult in so many relationships is complex and different for everyone. But often, the challenge rests in aligning the words with their intended meaning. Some couples feel they know each other so well that it's not so much what is said, but what is implied. While a large part of communication relies on accurately reading nonverbal cues, we sometimes resort to mind reading to fill in the blanks. I'm personally undecided about whether the ability to mind read would be a super power or a curse, but if you're finding your super power is letting you down, try these techniques to de-escalate your next argument.
• Take Responsibility & Be Direct
Use "I" statements to take ownership over what you're saying and how you're feeling. An example would be shifting from "You never listen to me" to "I feel like you're not listening to me." This strategy avoids placing blame and inviting a defensive response by presenting a problem with a possible solution (i.e. exploring the issue of better listening). Also avoid generalizations like "he never." Speak directly to the person you're communicating with and stick to the present situation. Don't dig up past garbage unless you want it to foul up the communication.
• Keep It Brief
Limit your statement to 10-20 words. More than that and you're bound to let emotion take over and start blaming. Not only has your partner tuned you out, but they're preparing their defense.
• Mean What You Say
Sarcasm has a place in many relationships, but when emotions are high, say what you mean. Are your words matching your actions (or nonverbal cues). "Of course I'm listening to you" as you walk out of the room.
• Actively Listen
Whether or not you agree with what your partner is saying, give them the respect to be heard. When they're done, repeat what they meant in a few words to make sure you understood them correctly. This gives both of you the opportunity to clear up any misunderstanding before it becomes something more than it needs to be.
• Know When to Take a Break
Nothing gets resolved when emotions are high. If you find yourself getting worked up and unable to think clearly, stop, take a break, and excuse yourself from the conversation. Don't just walk away but tell them, "This is too much for me right now, and I'd like to talk about this later." Again this keeps the responsibility on you.
I often remind clients that using these tools of effective communication isn't about always agreeing, but rather an opportunity to resolve conflict rationally. It's also important to acknowledge that not all arguments are about resolving conflict, but I'll save that for another post.
