This is a post that for me, an expecting dad within the month, is personal. When my son was born a little over 4 years ago, I was overwhelmed with the outpouring of support our community of friends and family provided for this significant transition in our lives. From birthing classes to baby shower, from lactation consultants to meal trains, we felt much love in our time of need. What I soon discovered, however, was that my needs and my wife's needs were different.As dads, biology necessitates that we experience pregnancy second hand. It's both a blessing and a curse. Our worst hangover, stomach bug, or food poisoning probably doesn't even touch months of morning sickness and exhaustion. But we'll never know the feeling of those first perceptible flutters of movement in early pregnancy or the uniquely intense bond that only comes from sharing body and nourishment for over 9 months. Dad's experience of pregnancy and early fatherhood is unavoidably different from mom's; thus, our role as new and expecting dad is going to be different as well.
What is dad's role anyways? Learning your role as a new dad can be confusing and even stressful, and the micro-cultures in which we live each have uniquely different ideas and pressures on exactly what the modern dad should look like. Are you the bread winner? The stay at home dad? Or do you and your partner share responsibilities equally? Does your community and social network support the role you fill? Does your personal definition of success match your new role? Now that you've taken on this new role of dad, are you still nourishing your role as partner to your significant other?
For many dads, finding answers to these questions is a solo journey. Support and resources catering to new dads are limited, yet postpartum depression, sleep deprivation, and relational conflict are equally relevant to both mom and dad. Current research indicates that men may be equally as susceptible to postpartum depression as women, yet it often goes untreated. This lack of treatment is partly due to a tendency of men being reluctant to talk about their problems and partly due to the limited availability of resources and misdiagnosis. The fact remains, however, that male postpartum depression can be a major risk factors for failed relationships.
In support of dads, here's an online resource catering to new dads that doesn't involve talking: postpartummen.com
For those more daring Port Townsend dads willing to talk, share, and lend support, I plan to start a dad support group in our community. The group will be free and open to soon-to-be dads and dads within their first year of parenthood. The trick is getting dads to show up. So. . . dads AND moms, send me an email to craig@ptfamilytherapy.com if you'd like to be notified about the where and when of this group as it materializes.
